"Blah blah blah faggot blah..."
"Excuse me, would you please not use that language?! Thank you!"
"Could you stop being such a bitch? Thank you!"
at which point I disengaged, not really feeling like being arrested for physical assault that night.
This all has a point I swear... I was wondering later on whether I could have handled the situation differently in order to really get the point across to him. Specifically, had I summoned my "feminine wiles" and donned a sweet smile and softly spoken the same words to him while touching his arm, would he have been more inclined to take my request to heart? Would I have still earned the B word?
The larger question beyond this specific scenario: Is using your "feminine wiles" sometimes a valid way to confront people and get results/subtly persuade men in order to get ahead or get what we need? Or are we merely perpetuating the gender role of sweet, subservient, helpless female, and sacrificing an opportunity to show that women can be direct and assertive?
I've heard women say that they've used their lady-charm to calm down big tough guys who were getting too rowdy, or to get maintenance men to specially help them out with technical difficulties, that simply directly asking in a neutral way wouldn't have accomplished. Wondering if y'all have any thoughts.
A lot of people use the word faggot when they are really really upset. Maybe someone had done something to question his manhood and he needed to accuse someone else of being a faggot to reassure him of his own masculinity, such a time would be a bad time to be chastised by a woman. Thats the only thing I could think of where someone would react so violently. It was probably just a bad time to confront that person.
ReplyDeleteAs for using 'feminine wiles' to stop someone from saying 'faggot' - that person might stop saying faggot around you but if they think it's ok to say faggot in the first place they probably need an education in the reality of gender roles that is not going to come from you stroking his arm and playing up your feminism. Its treating the symptoms, not the cause.
I don't want to confuse 'feminine wiles' with 'being nice'. I try to be nice to people and smile just a general rule and it often has unintended positive side effects. I think the difference is sexual overtones - stroking someone, soft voice, sexual body language, etc. of course, its easy for me to say that I would not do it when I don't even have the opportunity. I know a lot of girls who go to the bars multiple times a week drinking all night for free. I bet that shit is tempting.
-Devin
i agree with devin i think the sexual/feminine wiles approach is a quick-fix and involves some danger:
ReplyDeleteconfusing people
physical harm
later the object of your affection realizing it was a strategy of manipulation and being even more pissed off and distant from change.
i think the approach is totally subjective and individual. i definately have used the feminine wiles and the aggressive approaches. my conclusion is that real change comes from real care. so basically worrying less about that asshole stranger, and more about the internalized, subtle badisms that exist in ourselves and our friends/community.
sorta incomplete thoughts but yeah.
-addie
also though, i want to really validate whoever wrote this entry. reading that interaction made my blood boil. fuck that guy.
ReplyDeleteInteresting... yep I find myself agreeing with both of you. I also was contemplating this further and had another thought... is this more of a mens' issue? Meaning: is it more of a way that men have been socialized to respond to women when they are being flirtatious or enacting a submissive role? I see that womyn must navigate these situations and sometimes resort to using le wiles because it's much easier and gets results, but I think it should equally if not more be in the hands of men to become aware of their own reactions/biases to different ways females communicate with them.
ReplyDelete-Kelsey
I have a hunch that the man speaking at the party would have responded harshly no matter how he was approached. As Devin said, many people use the word faggot when they are upset. When a person is angry, scared, intimidated, etc. their first reactions are usually ones of defense. I can't help thinking about the war in Afghanistan; this war was okay because people were upset, angry, and failed to step back and take a look at the bigger picture.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, who knows, perhaps the lady-charm would have worked??? Frankly, I'd rather be called a bitch than subject myself to a submissive role where I'm catering to a man in a flirtations manner. There have been far too many women who have fought for my right to be assertive for me to turn an opportunity away simply to win one battle. I figure eventually a more neutral way of conversing will inevitably be acceptable and productive in all circles if we continue with the mission of equality in our everyday lives through our body language and word choices.
-Trina